I was already giddy with dislike before we arrived on Wednesday night. I’ve been waiting for Schmuck’s opening for almost a year. One of my best friends lives right next door, so I’ve felt the mist of concrete as I walked by, heard whispers of its acrimonious departure from Barcelona, and watched as they hoisted their sign—a gargantuan descending ‘SCHMUCK’ eyesore—onto the corner of sixth and first.
The windows are ribbed and frosted (a trend I’ve been noticing with new restaurants like Eel Bar) so you’re hermetically sealed in whatever atmosphere they create. Unfortunately, the host was friendly, looked us in the eyes, and brought us into the “kitchen” area. A palatial family-style table, scattered stools, teeny tiny standing space—there’s a general feeling that you’re second class to the dolts flopped around the main room (who’re given a different menu). It’s flirty, gloves-off; somewhere between a birthday party for someone you don’t know and a frisky bathroom line. Not bad.
We got the strawberry and Parmesan cocktail which comes with a basil leaf. The waiter said the Grey Goose is steeped in Parmesan, or something. It wasn’t too sweet, very juicy. I liked it. We got another drink with coconut shavings and a big ice cube, which I always appreciate because they’re harder and more expensive to make. My friend loved it. I thought it tasted more like cough syrup.
I like the way they describe one of their drinks, Bread with Tomatoes as, “a Grey Goose vodka highball, based on the moment when you dip your bread into the tomato water at the end of eating a tomato salad.” Reminds me of the Flamingo Estate heirloom tomato perfume.
One of our servers had a thick accent, told us he had just moved a month ago from Marseille to work here (the owner had called him up and offered a job). Our other server was the owner, which I always love to see, the owner working alongside everyone else. We took a shot of something steeped in elderberry with him and another mixologist. It seemed like a routine thing he does. We do not have his tolerance.
Schmuck’s got some lore, which seems to be a prerequisite for a popular bar in the city. A couple years ago the same two owners, Juliette Larrouy and Moe Aljaff, opened Two Schmucks in Barcelona, which was quickly named the seventh best bar in the world (a former employee on Reddit says "the cocktails are definitely not the 7th best in the world, and the food is ok”). But the VC firm they partnered with screwed them over, pushed out Moe and Juliette, who left, and their staff followed. That sucks, but as another person on Reddit says, what do they expect getting funding from VC. Whatever kind of maestros Moe and Juliette are, they’ve managed to magnetically pull people from Marseille to a bar next to Panna II. (They said in an interview they’ve only hired European staff because “someone in their late 20s, early 30s who’s a hospitality professional in Europe, you know that they’re really, really passionate about it because usually there’s no money in it.”)
By the time we left the ‘kitchen’ to the main room’s bar, we were both schmuckered. Two more drinks. One was fine but boring. The other, the Larb Gai (“Remy Martin with peanuts, rice, herbs & chili oil”) was, really, truly, phenomenal. It booted me out of my banal palate and propelled me into another sphere of tastebudsdom!
Another thing: Schmuck’s got some bucks. I really did intend to loathe this place but, the design is impeccable. Good speakers. Great lighting—the kitchen table has a thick, cylindrical paper Japanese light. This is the closest comparison I can find. The decor is eclectic and charming (sans the mushroom lamps they have along the bar, which I despise because they remind me of Stanley cups and those bubble headbands. I need at least one gripe to cling on to!) It’s all apparently imported from Europe by Arash Ghassemi and Pauline Deckert, a couple who are über popular in Berlin. I don’t know who they are, but look at this wonderful blue they’ve painted this hallway.
It’s a spot that’s nursing that messy just-opened crowd. It doesn’t know its regulars yet. Right now, it’s just people from the internet.